(electronic baby cries) – Throw me the diaper! (electronic baby cries) – If this is anything like Tamagotchis, I had like three, and
they died within a day. – Robo-babies. – It’s not even a cyborg. There’s no human to love. – Eugene and I are both very competitive, so that means our baby
is going to be the best. – I can’t take care of myself. – As long as I don’t have to make an emotional commitment to anything, I should be good. (electronic rock music) – So today we got robot babies. – We’re having a baby. This is exactly how I
pictured it would happen. (electronic baby cries) – It’s basically a robot baby. It’s used in schools. It’s used in health classes
to teach baby curriculum. – You have to change its
diapers, you have to feed it, you have to burp it, you have to rock it. – You have to change its diaper? – How do you change a robot’s diaper? – So, this is like birth right now. – This is birth. (singing wordlessly) – He’s Asian! – Baby, get out! It’s not alive, yet, right? I’m allowed to mishandle it? – Sploosh! – Now my turn! – Oh, definitely an Asian baby. – Who does he look more like? – Haven’t you always, I thought every white person
wants an Asian baby, right? – He has blue eyes. He gets those from me. – He’s also tiny, sorta like you. – Yeah. – Look how much hair he has! Just like his father. – I can hear something rocking in it. – That’s probably its censor
of “I’m being abused!” – We have to name the baby. – Yeah. – I think it’s important for a name to have something of significance. – I’m thinking Maurice. – [Ned] JJ.
– [Eugene] JJ. – [Ned] JJ. JJ Fang.
– [Eugene] JJ Fang. – Maurice Kornsberger. – Maurice Kornsberger. – [Eugene] You are so badass!
– [Ned] That’s a dope name! (chanting from “Circle of Life”) – I would be scared of this
baby if I was another baby. – Let’s bring our baby to life. (humming) – In three, two– – Does it move? Doesn’t seem like it’s–
(electronic chiming) – Oh, it’s the–
(electronic baby coo) Yes? (electronic baby coo) – Hi, Maurice! Welcome! – [Eugene] Hi, JJ!
– [Ned] Hi, JJ! (electronic baby cooing) – What do you want? What does he want? – How do you know? They just cry and you have to guess.
– [Eugene] Get the bottle Ned! – [Zach] Do I just, do I just– (electronic baby cries) Hey, buddy. (louder electronic baby cries) – [Ned] No no no no no no!
– [Eugene] It’s all right. – Do I just stab it at its face? – Just hold it to him. (electronic sucking) – How do I know when
I’ve fed him too much? – He’ll (beep)-ing let you know. (happy electronic baby cooing)
– I’m done! – Oh, what an adorable squeal! – Do we have to burp him? – Is that what we’re doing? How do we know he needs to burp right now? He’s just going, “Uhh.” – This seems excessive. You’re burping him for a long time. – You burp babies for a long time. – Let me try. Let me try. – I swear to God I’m
gonna be better at this. (electronic baby burp) – [Ned] Aww, he burped.
– [Eugene] Aww, he burped. – It sounded kind of like a fart, but… Diaper change! – That felt like a poopy! (electronic baby crying)
– I know, I know! – Come on! (electronic baby crying) – (beep)-ing put the diaper on him, Zach! – No, he doesn’t want it. – I’m sorry, I was laughing at his penis. – Don’t laugh at his penis. – His penis is hilarious. How can you not laugh at it? Stop crying, please! (silence) That was it. He just… That was it? – Is he dead? Did you kill it? – He’s not dead, right? – Wait, we didn’t… (electronic chiming)
(relieved sighing) Oh, thank—
(electronic baby coo) – [Zach] Oh, he’s happy!
– [Keith] “I’m happy!” (rejoiced yelling) – So, tonight we’re gonna
take our babies home. – It’s gonna record our results. – At the end of the night, the baby’s going to generate a report. – And we’re gonna stay up all night trying to take care of the babies. – Well, you know, we’re gonna try and get a good night’s sleep. – I don’t think that’s gonna happen. – I, just this moment, had a realization of how hellish the next
24 hours are gonna be. (dramatic crescendo) – What happened last night… (loud electronic baby crying) (intermingled talking and yelling) – I guess we should
start at the beginning. – Start at the beginning. – We left the office very
excited, full of energy. I thought, “Keith and
I having a sleepover? “That’s gonna be a fun time.” – He’s a cutie pie. You’re gonna realize he’s cute
and we’re in charge of him. – Ned’s wife came for a visit
at the beginning of the night. – That was so nice to
have some family help. Once we had the baby down
to sleep, it was delightful! – The thing is is that
you just kinda realize that it’s all worth it. – [Ned] We did some work.
– [Eugene] We did some work. – We’re raising this baby both religions. – We listened to classical music. (classical music)
♫ Because you are JJ Fang, – ♫ Better than Keith
– [Ned] ♫ Better than Keith – [Eugene] ♫and Zach’s baby!♫
– [Ned] ♫and Zach’s baby!♫ – I didn’t have a bar mitzvah, but I do want Maurice to have one. – We drank a nice Riesling. – But you can’t do anything to his dick. – What are you talking about? – And it was really pleasant. – I already checked on that. He’s not circumcised yet. – Of course not. So, we get set to go to sleep. – Maybe you strip Maurice, and then I’ll dress him back up again. – Our baby’s adorable. – Dude, our baby looks amazing! – We put our baby in the separate room so it had its own nursery. – [Keith] We figured
out how to make a bed. – We’d snuggled him up in his blanket. – [Keith] We say, “Goodnight.” – [Zach] Goodnight, Keith. [Keith] Goodnight, Zach’s phone. – Goodnight, Zach. – Goodnight, Keith. – I think he might be
good the whole night. – [Keith] You’re crazy. (dramatic crescendo) (soft, creepy music) – So (beep)-ing 1:30 in the morning– – No, two. – Was it two? (electronic baby crying)
(dramatic classical music) – He activated, and he just flipped. (electronic baby crying)
(dramatic classical music) – [Keith] I changed its diaper, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
– [Zach] Burp it. Nothing. – [Keith] Bottle? Nothing!
– [Zach] Nothing! – Sometimes, I was
like, “What do you want? “What do you want? “I don’t know what he needs!” – Baby screaming, scream, scream! – It’s gonna give us a bad score. It’s gonna tell us we’re terrible parents. – By the third time, it was more of a, Can you do it? – It’s just a demon and it’s
just banshee-screaming at us. Did one of us do coke
during our pregnancy? – I’d have to say the baby
was the source of the stress, but the source of my anger was Ned. Look, if this was a crib, you can’t sleep in the crib.
– [Ned] If this was a crib, you can’t sleep in the baby. Don’t even worry about it, bro. – It’s a nightmare. – Can I just hold my child? – And we’re just up
forever, it seems like, with this baby. We just can’t go back to bed. – By the time the sun came out, we were just over it. (dramatic classical music ends) – [Keith] I’ve gotta take a shower, so Zach is gonna watch the baby. That’s what babies are sometimes. I think how awful this thing
was was incredibly accurate. – You really have to have teamwork and patience with each other. – [Zach] I feel like it brought us closer. – It was less stressful with him than, I can imagine, without him. – It’s a lot of work. (vocal drum roll) – [Voiceover] 79% (impressed mumbling)
– [Keith] What is that, a C? A C!
– [Zach] A C+! That’s pretty good! – I’m unsatisfied with that, to be honest. No mishandles? We didn’t
(beep) up its neck? I was sure I (beep)-ed
up its neck, I was sure. – What did we get? – [Voiceover] You got a 75. (loud yelling) – [Ned] That is ridiculous! – [Zach] You just dropped your baby! – [Ned] He’s a robot! He’s not real! – Dude, we did it! We’re great parents! – [Keith] We’re great parents!
– [Zach] We’re great parents! (yelling gleefully) – [Zach] You know what? All this now, I don’t
even care how tired I am. I’m so elated that we did a great job. – This is from the two guys who just said they hated their baby five seconds ago. – Yes, I did hate it five seconds ago. Now that I’m a winner, I’m thrilled. – Seeing your baby
laugh for the first time would be just, it would make everything that you did, all of the late nights, just so worth it.