-If you guys wouldn’t mind,
I’d just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes
right now. Is that cool with you guys?
I love ya! [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s do it. Here we go.
James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing
music please? [ Playing tender tune ]
Tough guy. Tough guy?
-Steve: Yeah. He’s thinking about
“Children of Blood and Bone.” Yeah. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Thank you, sparklers, for being the only time
we’re like, “Here, kids, hold this lit fuse.”
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Maracas rattle ] It’s fun. Do you remember snakes? Do you know that firework?
-Oh, snakes are great. [ Both laughing ]
-They’d leave giant marks on your driveway.
-It just grows out of the ground.
-Yeah, it’s like some crazy chemical that probably —
-I always told people, “Oh, dude, you gotta get snakes,
that’s the craziest firework, man.
You’re gonna go nuts!” And they’re like, “Dude, we got
snakes.” I’m like, “Yeah, dude, light it up, let me know
how it goes, man,” like. And the thing just goes “Brrt.” -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] So you put four together.
-That’s all it does. -You put four together.
-That’s all it does, yeah. Burned a hole
in your driveway, yeah. -That and those snaps. -Snaps.
-Attendee: Yeah. ♪♪
-Thank you, “The Bachelorette,” for being 25 men competing
for one woman’s heart. Or, as that’s also known: bars. [ Laughter and applause ]
[bro accent] Hey, what’s up? ♪♪ Thank you, Supreme Court
Justice Anthony Kennedy, for announcing your retirement. And thank you, every picture
of the Supreme Court, for looking like a small town’s
community choir. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪
[ Laughter ] Thank you, the
“forgot my password” button, for pretty much being
my password. [ Laughter and applause ]
I don’t have to remember it. -Please send it.
-Send it to my email, dude. ♪♪
[ Laughter ] Thank you, fireworks, for being
five minutes of excitement followed by 20 minutes of me
saying, “Was that the end? [ Laughter ]
No? Oh, this is the end. Oh, wait, no, there’s more.
Oh, oh, beautiful. Oh, that’s the end. This is the end right here. No it’s not.” [ Laughter ]
♪♪ Thank you,
swimming with a pool noodle, for answering the question, “How
awkward can I make myself look in front of my friends
and family?” [ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, buddy, water’s cold. -‘Sup! ♪♪ -Thank you, yard sales,
for being the most elaborate way to get other people
to take out your garbage. There you go, everybody.
Those are my thank-you notes.