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How to Ask for a Raise

You’re lucky to have me. You should be thanking me for asking for a raise. (gentle orchestra music) I don’t leave early. I brought those pumpkin cookies that one time. I got first place in the office Summer Olympics Water Balloon Relay. Doug got a 15% raise. Doug’s a moron. If I don’t get a raise, I’m going to our competitor and I am taking everyone– You don’t know this, but I walked your dogs one time. I’m the only Myers Briggs ENFJ on the entire team. You need me to balance out all the ISTPs on the dev team. I’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and I already spent the money, so . . . I’ll send you a follow-up email to find out what you decide. Or I could just swing by your house!

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