Hitchhiking from Tijuana to the North Pole: Thumbs Up Season 2 (Part 2/4)

[MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID: What’s up, America? We’re here still in Fresno– Fresnatch, as some people
like to call it. Been out here for three
hours sweating. I smell like shit. Can’t get a fucking ride. Hi. Can I get a ride? As far as you’ll take us. Oh, who’s this? LORRAINE: Oh, that’s
the baby, Naseri. DAVID: Hi, Naseri. LORRAINE: Get in. DAVID: Hi, I’m David. LORRAINE: Hi, I’m Lorraine. HARRY: Hi. DAVID: Can I turn it down? LORRAINE: Sure. DAVID: Well, how far are
you guys headed? HARRY: Towards Reno
to go gambling. DAVID: You’re going to Reno? LORRAINE: Yeah. DAVID: I love gambling. Is it cool if we go all the
way to Reno with you guys? LORRAINE: Sure, if
you guys want. DAVID: Nice. Can I say something? LORRAINE: Yeah. DAVID: I’ve been hitchhiking
for 15 years now. I’ve never been picked
up by black people. Never, not once. And are you full black? Are you mixed? LORRAINE: No, I’m mixed. DAVID: You’re mixed? With what? LORRAINE: My mother’s Mexican
and Hindu and my dad is black and Chinese. DAVID: You’re mom’s
Mexican and Hindu. Your dad’s black and Chinese. All right, so maybe this doesn’t
count as our first black ride. So the baby’s– LORRAINE: His dad has
Indian in him, too. DAVID: What a cutie. Oh, he’s going to
grow up dancing. HARRY: Hey. DAVID: Oh my god, what a
cutie, what a cutie. [MUSIC PLAYING] MALE SPEAKER: Say, Lord
Jesus, I give my life to you right now. DAVID: We give our life
to you right now. MALE SPEAKER: Everything
to you right now. DAVID: Everything to
you right now. MALE SPEAKER: Because
you are Lord. DAVID: Because you are Lord. MALE SPEAKER: We totally
repent for every sin. DAVID: We totally repent
for every sin. MALE SPEAKER: Whatever
our sins are. DAVID: Whatever our sins are. MALE SPEAKER: In Jesus’ name. DAVID: In Jesus’ name. MALE SPEAKER: Amen. DAVID: Amen. MALE SPEAKER: Receive the
holy ghost, my brother. Say I receive the holy spirit. HARRY: I receive the
holy spirit. Thank you, brother. Thank you, brother. Thank you, brother. MALE SPEAKER: Use him for God. FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah? DAVID: Can we interview you? FEMALE SPEAKER: Sure. Do you want any background
music? DAVID: Oh, yeah. Of course. FEMALE SPEAKER: [HUMMING] DAVID: This is the man. FEMALE SPEAKER: This
is the man? We’re talking Reno. DAVID: Oh, shit. FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah, Reno. DAVID: Oh, yeah. This is [INAUDIBLE]. FEMALE SPEAKER: Reno. Yeah? Yeah? Arizona, I don’t know where
the hell he came from. But we’re in Reno. We’re looking for money. I need more than that for
a pack of cigarettes. [LAUGHS] All right, you guys. DAVID: Bye. Hey, where are you going? What’s your name? BRIAN: Brian. DAVID: Brian, can you give us
a day in the life of Brian? You wake up– BRIAN: Wake up. DAVID: Are you a vampire? BRIAN: I like vampires. DAVID: Let me see your teeth. You’re a fucking
vampire, dude. He’s a vampire! Let’s see those teeth, bro. Oh, fuck, dude, Reno vampire. Do you know other vampires? BRIAN: No. I know some black vampires. DAVID: You know black
vampires? BRIAN: Like hardcore evil. DAVID: Oh, they’re, like,
black skin, or black– BRIAN: Black skin. DAVID: –or black souls? BRIAN: Who knows what
their souls are? DAVID: I heard vampires that
don’t want to kill people just eat pussy of girls that
are on their period. BRIAN: They don’t suck dick? It’s not against the
law to suck dick. DAVID: Are you telling
me you’re going to suck my dick for $2? BRIAN: $100. DAVID: For $100? But your teeth are fucking
sharp, dude. [LAUGHTER] BRIAN: Well, take a chance. DAVID: Show them your
teeth again. Show them your teeth. I’m not getting my dick
sucked by that. BRIAN: And I’m out
of toothpaste. DAVID: No offense. No offense, bro. Thanks, man. You guys hitchhiking? You guys are hitchhiking
out of town? MALE SPEAKER: I’m
from Sacramento trying to get to Portland. DAVID: Why are you trying
to get Portland? What’s in Portland MALE SPEAKER: Well,
my friends from Sacramento drove up there. But they have, like, 10 half
gallons of liquor for us and a big-ass box of food. DAVID: Well, what
are you doing? You came to Reno to party? RIZZY: I’ve just been traveling around meeting people. And trying to end up
where I’m going. DAVID: Which is where? RIZZY: Nowhere. DAVID: And whose car is this? RIZZY: This is the guy who
got arrested today. DAVID: So this car is– RIZZY: Probably just
junk right now. DAVID: What happened? RIZZY: Reno cops
are fucked up. MALE SPEAKER: We walk around. RIZZY: Basically, I’ll sit on
the sidewalk and get arrested. That’s what happened
to me last night. I sat down on the sidewalk
and I went to jail. MALE SPEAKER: Ah, fuck
you, Reno PD. RIZZY: Yeah, seriously, I just
got out of jail last night for sitting on the sidewalk. MALE SPEAKER: Reno’s scary. DAVID: Are you guys in
a band or anything? RIZZY: I play. DAVID: What do you play? RIZZY: Ukulele. Do you want to hear
an original? DAVID: Yeah. RIZZY: [CLEARS THROAT] I’m sorry. I’m kind of drunk. [SINGING] Santa Monica, Santa Monica. I just turned 14. Might as well be drinking
gasoline. ‘Cause it’s Venice, Malibu,
sand on the beaches just turning to glue. Came out with a brand
new drug. I decided to pull the plug. And they said, oh, look
what you’ve done. They said, oh, look
what you’ve done. Well, you’ve gone and made
a fool of everyone. Well, you’ve gone and made
a fool of everyone. This is the most
important part. And I don’t have to
prove to anyone. Because I’ve gone and made
a fool of everyone. [APPLAUSE] MALE SPEAKER: Hey, thanks. DAVID: [SIGHS] Welcome, America, day
four on Thumbs Up. And we were in the biggest
little city in the world. We sort of had culture
shock last night. We got out of California. And I ran into a vampire
that offered to suck my dick for $100. And then after we turned
the camera off, said he’d do it for $20. And then we had the gutter
punks from Oakland that somehow came to Reno cracked
out, drunk, straight out of jail, six or seven of them
trying to figure out how to get a ride out. Its sort of sad. But the girl, Rizzy, played a
song for us that was, like, pretty awesome. And I know what you’re
thinking. You think I’m a fucking
cheater. But think back to [INAUDIBLE], Mississippi, Las Vegas, Nevada. You now me, America. You know I’m a fucking
degenerate gambler. You know what fucking
type– oh, shit. Daniel, you got shit
on your camera. Let me wipe it off for you. Let it rain, bitch. Let it rain, motherfucker. Fuck yeah, bitch. This is literally the fucking
shittiest city in the world. Everyone knows professional
gamblers don’t play for comps. But you play anything more than
a $5 hand in this fucking shit hole and the rooms are
free, the back rubs are free, the happy endings are
free, the shitty fucking buffet’s free. Like I said, we accept
all rides. We’re just not going to
pay for any of them. So what can I say? We’re just on the outskirts
of Reno. My lips are chapped. It’s fucking dry. And there’s probably one car
going by every five minutes. And we found this beautiful
Christmas tree, Shoemas tree. And I don’t know. I don’t know what the
story is behind it. But Harry took a shit
right behind it. And then Harry thought it would
be a good idea to punch his dick and balls between his
legs and put on a wig. We’ll see how that turns out. They looked like they were
going to slow down. DAVID: Uh-oh. Hi, sir. Can we sit in the back? DON: No, that’s illegal. DAVID: Oh, really? DON: In California. Where are you guys going? DAVID: As far as
you’ll take us. How far are you going? DON: About 30, 40 miles. DAVID: OK, perfect. Thanks for picking us up, sir. Because it’s getting
hot outside. DON: Where are you
guys coming from? DAVID: We started in Tijuana. And we’re going all
the way to Alaska. Yeah. You ever been up
towards Alaska? DON: I’ve never been
into Canada. DAVID: Oh, really? You hate Canadians. DON: Nope. DAVID: I do. DON: Canada? DAVID: Yeah. They’re the worst people
in the world. They’re so nice, it
makes me angry. DON: I think I’ve only known
one my whole life. And I dated her. DAVID: Oh, really? You dated a Canadian? Did she talk funny? DON: Yeah, she did. [LAUGHTER] DAVID: That was just
like a nice guy. Rock on, America. We’re in America’s wasteland. We’re in a fucking landfill
right now. Harry’s fucking rocking out. We got a band of refrigerators, tires, rims, old bikes. It’s got everything we need
for our music video. [SHOUTS] [MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID: Fuck yeah, bitch! [SHOUTS] [MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID: [SHOUTS] [SIGHS] Fuck, man. Life on the road
feels so good. And it feels so good to jam with
your friends and fucking break shit. I just took 10 years
off my life, man. I’m 16 again. So we’re somewhere in
northern California. There’s lots of trees,
maybe some bears. Maybe some gay bears,
I don’t know. We were out by the shoe tree for
quite a while until Harry punched his dick and
balls past his legs and put on a wig. And then we got a ride
immediately. There is probably one car going
by right now every five minutes, maybe one
every 10 minutes. Getting pretty hungry. Sun’s going to go down. It’s going to be really scary
once the sun’s down. It’ll be pitch black out here. But cash is king. Cash is cool. Winning money is great. But today I won twice. I won twice. I brought some napkins
into the buffet like any good Asian. And Daniel, would you
like a cannoli? DANIEL: I’d love a cannoli. DAVID: Here you go. Harry, would you like
a macaroon? HARRY: Oh, yes. A macaroon would be tasty. DANIEL: It’s good. HARRY: Thank you. DAVID: Thumbs up, America. I won twice today. And we’re about to get
a ride right now. We need a sign. We’re trying to get to Oregon. HARRY: Portland. DAVID: How do you
spell Portland? HARRY: P-O-R-T-L-A-N-D. DAVID: This is better. It’s unisex. We toss salads. People have to got to
be able to read it. As the sun goes down over day
four, we go dangerously close to the Oregon border. We’re getting out
of California. We’re getting out of Nevada. Who knows what awaits
us in the Northwest? We’ll see. Freaks come out at night. It’ll be dark soon. Come on, give us a ride. So ladies and gentlemen, you
should definitely not hitchhike at night. We’re having a tough time
getting a ride. It’s not really the best time. People can’t really
see your faces. So we’ve been stuck at this
off-ramp for a little bit. I don’t know why Harry’s
so sexed up. Did you just shoplift a dildo? HARRY: We need it. DAVID: Wait, is that? He just shoplifted a hard
orange penis telephone. Here’s redial. Why did you steal this? This guy might be the
biggest genius on the face of the planet. He just created thumbs
up, America. Thumbs up. [CHUCKLES] It’s a fucking huge thumb. [LAUGHTER] DAVID: Let’s give it a try. It can’t hurt. We’ve tried everything else. KEYLA: Do you guys
need a ride? DAVID: Yes. KEYLA: All right. DAVID: Is your car OK? KEYLA: Where you heading to? DAVID: As far as
you’ll take us. KEYLA: All right, sweet. Well, we kind of hit a deer. DAVID: You guys hit a deer? Oh my god. Are you guys OK? KEYLA: We’re all right. DAVID: Is the car OK? KEYLA: It’s OK so far. DAVID: Is the deer OK? KEYLA: No. DAVID: The deer is dead, huh? KEYLA: Intestines all
over the road. All right, well hop in. HARRY: Thanks for the ride. DYLAN: Yeah, no problem. KEYLA: Yeah, no problem. DAVID: You guys seem
surprisingly unphased by the fact that half of your
car is smashed in. KEYLA: It’s my car. And I really cannot do
anything about it. DAVID: Hey, I’m down for
the adventure, too. DAVID: Oh my god. DAVID: Oh, really? KEYLA: Yep. DAVID: You guys are BFF. KEYLA: Yep, BFFs. DAVID: I’ve never had a
friend that’s a girl. I mean, I did up until
I was, like, 21. KEYLA: Yeah, that’s what
we were talking about. DAVID: How old are you guys? KEYLA: I’m 19. DYLAN: I’m 18. DAVID: Oh shit. All right. KEYLA: Oh shit? What? DAVID: I’m just really
bitter and jaded. KEYLA: OK. DAVID: I always end up having
sex with a girl that’s supposed to be my friend,
or whatever. So then I always– KEYLA: Ew! Cooties. DAVID: Oh, you guys
love each other. You guys are meant
for each other. KEYLA: We do love each other. DAVID: Why do you want
to fight it? KEYLA: You and me
were in a fight. DAVID: I mean, you guys
are fucking kids. Do you even understand how hard
it is to find someone to travel with? KEYLA: We’re chilling
because we’re not together, or whatever. But if we were going out– DYLAN: That would be a
whole other story. DAVID: Did you not see
that this was a big penis on the fist? KEYLA: I didn’t really
notice it right away. I’m not gonna lie. DAVID: You noticed it right
away and pulled over? DYLAN: Oh, yeah. DAVID: Awesome. You should definitely
marry this guy. He’s adventurous. KEYLA: Ew. DAVID: Well, America, nothing
more refreshing than being out on the road and being picked
up by young lovers in love. They don’t even know it. KEYLA: Maybe. DAVID: Thumbs up, America. HARRY: Jump! DAVID: Thumbs up, America. We have to cool Harry off. He was sexed up too much. I’ve got to change his name
back to Horny Kim. There’s too much sexual
tension in the air. And that ride last
night, whew. You could cut it with a knife. It was so thick, like
Harry’s foreskin. What’s up? What’s up? What city are we in? JOE: [INAUDIBLE]. DAVID: What? JOE: Oh, what city
are you guys in? DAVID: Yeah, where is this? JOE: Florence. DAVID: Florence? JOE: Florence. What’s up, guys? DAVID: Dave, man. Nice to meet you. JOE: Nice to meet you, too. DAVID: What’s your name? JOE: Joe. DAVID: Joe, what’s up, man? This is Harry. JOE: Harry, right
on, brother man. You’re more like my
family, brother. Me and you got a lot
[INAUDIBLE]. DAVID: What’s up, man? JOE: You guys should
jump over. DAVID: Hey, let’s jump over. HARRY: All right. JOE: Come on over. God damn it, don’t break down
the damn fence, though. DAVID: What’s up, man? DAVID: Wait, you guys don’t know
each other and you guys met each other traveling
and now you’re like the three amigos? JOE: Well, this guy, he
started four days ago. He owned his own business. He had everything going. He had a house and everything. His wife kicked him out. DAVID: You guys got anything
you want to tell us, like stories from the road? MALE SPEAKER: Yeah,
what do you want? FREDDY: Quiet. I need quiet. MALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE]. MALE SPEAKER: Hey, what– FREDDY: I smoked
about an eight. If her tits were bigger,
she’d be a 10, yeah. [LAUGHTER] DAVID: That’s pretty
good, man. FREDDY: Yeah, that’s
all right. DAVID: That’s pretty good. RICK: Let me tell you about
this story one time. I was in seventh grade. DAVID: You were in
seventh grade? RICK: Seventh grade. I burned down the school. DAVID: You burned
down the school! Shit! On purpose? RICK: Yeah. DAVID: Man, I thought I
didn’t like school. I thought I didn’t like it. Come on, Rick, give it up. Fuck school, man. I fucking hate school, too. I dropped out of school. But I didn’t burn it down. RICK: No, I went
back to school. I got me a college education. DAVID: They let you back in the
school after you did that? RICK: Yeah, when I was 21. DAVID: All right,
listen, listen. Stop fucking around, you guys. Let’s fucking talk about the
real shit, all right? Let’s talk about
fucking pussy. Let’s talk about pussy,
all right? JOE: I’m a poor white man. Pussy doesn’t come unless, very
rare in my book, man. DAVID: All right, so when you
don’t get pussy, take this. [INTERPOSING VOICES] FREDDY: I’m the best
[INAUDIBLE]. I deserve to get fucked. JOE: I’m the best man that
ever fucked a woman. DAVID: So then you need
to make a road pussy. You pack this sleeping
bag up really tight. You dig a fucking hole. You bury the thing. And you fuck it right there. [GRUNTS] Fucking road pussy! MALE SPEAKER: Yeah! DAVID: Rick, what
are doing, man? RICK: Come here. I’m going to give [INAUDIBLE]. DAVID: God, dude. [LAUGHTER] MALE SPEAKER: Go for it. DAVID: Thumbs up! Yeah! [LAUGHTER] DAVID: Do it right. Do it right. JOE: I call this
my titty shot. Now let me show you
planet Earth. I ate planet Earth one day. I got so hungry. MALE SPEAKER: I got
a titty shot. JOE: This is planet Earth. DAVID: Hey! Hey, Rick! Rick! JOE: Rick get over here. We’re going do a group shot. DAVID: Do an ass shot. Keep it tight. Keep it tight. Let’s go, all right. [LAUGHTER] JOE: Are you guys on the
road hitchhiking? DAVID: Yeah, we’re trying to
get to Canada right now. JOE: Where’d you guys
start out at? FREDDY: What part of Canada? Victoria? DAVID: Well, final destination
is Alaska. RICK: Alaska? DAVID: I heard there’s
vampires out there. And I want to meet one. RICK: Well, yeah. Well, go up the ALCAN highway. DAVID: What do you
mean, well, yeah? You’ve met one before? RICK: Yeah. DAVID: You’re a vampire? RICK: Yeah. JOE: [INAUDIBLE] vampire. FREDDY: Do you know why we
like Alaska so well? DAVID: Why? FREDDY: Because certain parts
of the year, there’s only 10 minutes of daylight. DAVID: That’s exactly
why they’re there! HARRY: Oh my god. DAVID: He knows, man. He knows. HARRY: He’s seen them. DAVID: The vampires are there
because it’s fucking dark all the time. FREDDY: If you guys see that
Buffy chick, you tell her I want my fucking teeth back! [LAUGHTER] DAVID: All right, Rick,
I love you. RICK: I got to find one. DAVID: Tell the camera. RICK: Check this out. We all joins hands. We all join hands. God bless you. We ain’t got much. Angemayou, who wrote a book one
time, she gave President Kennedy’s inauguration speech. But she said, we didn’t
have much. But we sure had plenty. DAVID: I like that shit. I think you wrote that, Rick. All right, you guys take care. HARRY: You, too man. RICK: Come here. DAVID: Come here, Rick. JOE: Love you guys, man. DAVID: Love you guys,
too, man. Hey, you gentlemen,
have a good night. FREDDY: Hey, thank you, man. DAVID: I love you guys. FREDDY: You’re cool. [INAUDIBLE]. DAVID: You guys are
the coolest. You guys are true
road warriors. We’re going fucking go see these
Canadian motherfuckers. JOE: No, you guys are
the warriors. FREDDY: Tell them you met
the web feet tribe. DAVID: You guys are the
web feet tribe? MALE SPEAKER: The
web feet tribe. DAVID: I love the
web feet tribe.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *