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Episode 5: “Hut Hut Hike”

What’s our ETA on sunscreen
reapplication? Oh shit, Jake texted me. No way! What did he say? He wants to go out! Yaaaas!! When? Saturda– What? He wants to go… hiking Okay, walk me through the plan again. Okay, so the way I see it Jake is my best option for breaking the dry spell. Right. Like he’s clearly interested in what I’m servin’ uppp. Oh yeah. Totally. The only thing I can imagine
cock-blocking me at this point is, well him seeing me hike. So you have hiked before? Ew, no! Have you? God no! We’re New Yorkers. We don’t hike. We schlep. Yeah, exactly. So, that’s why we’re gonna do this practice run so I don’t make a complete fool of myself on Saturday. A dry run to break the dry spell. Exactly. Then… why are we Ubering to the top? Now we just hike down. Easy-peasy! Ugh. There’s like negative service up here. Oooh, that reminds me I am gonna track my steps. Burn those cals. That’s probably a good call. Yup! Alright. I’m ready to take my first hiking step! Oooh, get it on video cause I wanna send it to my mom. I gotchyu Ready? Here we go. Let this journey begin!! *squish* Was that…? Shit! Oh God! It’s ALL up in my sneaker crevices. We thought this was gonna be a DRY run… Too soon? Yahh. Yeah, too soon. Sorrrry. Alright, it’s it’s fine Let’s just get moving. Okay. Okay. Okay! Here we go. Damnit! Sunscreen reapplication! How’s that step count looking? At 24. That’s just cause that bee was chasing me earlier. Alright. For reals now. Let’s like, GO. Let’s do this. Let’s actually do it. Let’s actually do this. Excuse me? Can you take a picture of us? Oh, umm… You know, we were gonna hike so… Please? Yup! Whose phone should I use? Okay, can you crawl to the left a little bit? And, can you like make it a little bit more golden for us? I think we need more light. We should go like this! Do you wanna do a bird’s-eye view? Let’s do a bird’s-eye view! Caw!! Oh, can you get our butt shadow? On it! I… I think I got it… Ohhh… I think we can do better. Yeah, I think so. Can you try– We’re not trying anything else! Okay, look We did the bird’s-eye view We did the worm’s-eye view We did the freakin’ perv’s eye-view from inside that bush over there… If you don’t mind we came here to enjoy a nice and relaxing hike and we would like to get to that!! Okay… Nice and relaxing. HOHHH MY GOD! What?! What?? Is the bee back?! Fuck! HOW THE FUCK DO I GET RID OF POISON IVY?!?!! Oh my God!! Oh my God! Ughhhh there’s no service up here!! Holy shit, I can’t breath. Okay, calm down. It’s gonna be okay… This is VODKA! That’s my bad… So we’re stuck up here with no cell
service and no water?! More weed? No. No, not more weed! We’re gonna fucking die up here. And I never even got to sleep with John Krasinski. Wait a minute. Doesn’t alcohol disinfect? Yeah… Okay… we could take the vodka pour it on your face and maybe it’ll like, kill whatever bacteria
is giving you the rash! …it can’t hurt…. IT HURTS! IT HURTS! That’s my bad… It does hurt! Get me off this mountain. Ooh ooh ooh, no touching, no touching. At least you don’t look so pale… Thank you. You gotta climb. You gotta fight. You gotta take an Uber up to the hike. Conquer the nature and tame the trail. Punish the path and look out for the bee! It’s easier than you make it seeeeem. Oh this montage is embarrassingggg. You can’t bail. You can’t quit. But why do I keep stepping in shit? Conquer the nature and tame the trail. It’s getting dark. We just finished our last pack of Oreos. We’re so scared right now. I think I stepped in shit again. Shhh!! I hear cars. This way!! This is how we hike. and this is how we hike. and this is how we hike. Wait, aren’t you allergic to grass? Damnit! We did it! Yeah, we really did. Ohhh my God. *Phone dings* We have service! Already on the Uber! Oh my God. What? This is how we hike and this is how we hike and this is how we hike.

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